Southern (Dis)Comfort, or, My Adventures in Bartending School

When I got to LA, I assumed I would continue pursuing my acting career (more on that later).  As opposed to NYC, temping in LA is not really an option for the aspiring actor.  In NYC, if I had an audition in the middle of the work day, I could usually ask my agents to schedule me around the lunch hour.  Since the city is so compact (especially compared with LA), I could simply take a longer lunch hour, usually an hour and a half instead of one hour, and go to my audition.  There was no need for me to take an entire day off from a day job in order to accommodate auditions.

Not so in LA.  This city is vast and casting offices are spread out -- there is no central location or neighborhood(s) where most auditions take place.  And with traffic being what it is (see previous post), driving even a relatively short distance can take quite a long time. The hour and a half that I would need for travel and audition time in NYC could easily be three hours, or more, in LA.

The very first week I was here, I signed up for bartending classes.  I figured it was perfect - I could work nights and weekends, leaving my weekday afternoons free for auditions (forgetting that every job I'd ever had in food service left me miserable.  People are cranky when hungry/thirsty).  Never having bartended before, I was bit nervous, but the woman running the school (let's call her Jill), assured me that she had taught hundreds of students with no previous experience.  Job placement assistance was available for graduates; Jill told me I'd have no trouble finding work in a high-end restaurant or bar, which was my goal.  I left my registration meeting with a spring in my step and drink textbook in hand.  Jill found me classy and outgoing and was convinced I'd make great money.  Flirt a little with a rich businessman while fixing his martini?  Why not?

The entire course consisted of seven classes that could be taken in any order.  Class number one for me was all about cream drinks.  Want to know how to make a Grasshopper or a Toasted Almond?  I can tell you.  Standing behind the bar making my fake drinks (no actual liquor was used on school premises, only water with food coloring added), I felt powerful.  I was actually having fun!  Leaving class that first night, two other students complimented me, saying that I must have tended bar in the past, yes?  No!  Hot damn! I said, only one class under my belt and already I look like a pro.  This was going to be a cakewalk.

I took the remaining 6 classes, learning how to build a perfect martini, the proper way to pour champagne (the label always faces the customer!) and bartending slang (want your drink with 'big red balls?' Then you would like your server to top your drink with 1/2 oz of Grenadine.  How about 'fit for a king?' Your drink goes in a hurricane glass, don't ya know?)  With each additional class, I grew more and more anxious.  I made flash cards for each drink I was required to learn -- over 300 in all.  But as I studied the ingredients failed to cement themselves in my brain.  Did a Kamikaze get 1/2 oz of Vodka or 3/4 oz?  What were the ingredients of a Colorado Bull Dog again?  Which fruit was the proper garnish for an Iguana Margartia - lime or lemon?

I watched several students take the practical test.  And I watched every one of those students fail said test.  12 random drinks in 7 minutes.  One of the instructors would ask for three drinks.  Once those were made you'd be told the next three, and so on until all 12 cocktails were made.  A drink was only considered correct if all garnishes were applied.  And god help you if you couldn't remember the slang.  Asked to make a Gold Driver?  Easy enough (basically a Screwdriver only with Tequila rather than Vodka).  But if asked for a Gold Driver Prance A Pony, you'd better remember that Prance A Pony means in addition to the main drink, putting 1 oz of the main alcohol in said drink in a 1 oz snifter, rolling that snifter on its side then placing it beside the original drink.  Does the requested drink get a straw?  A lemon twist or a lemon wedge?  Better remember it during the test.

Most students had to take the practical test at least 3 times before passing.  No matter the amount of confidence in one's drink-making abilities, every single student was nervous during that exam.  The especially frustrating quirk being that the instructors would ask students for the most random drinks possible, knowing that once behind the bar in an actual establishment, those drinks were rarely requested.

Nerves growing by the day, I kept at it.  I took a wine certification class, studied my flashcards and practiced making Scorpions, Long Beach Iced Teas and Alabama Slammers.  I memorized the order of the liquors in the "well," and those on the "back bar."  I remembered that NFL did not mean National Football League but No F**king Lime and  Doggy Style did not refer to a certain sex position but meant you were to salt the rim of the glass.

And then it hit me.

I'd be working with drunk people.  Naturally, this should have occurred to me sooner.  Suddenly, I saw myself dealing with belligerent customers, denied another drink because they'd already had too much.  I imagined shutting down sleazy men trying to flirt with me.  Unlike a temp job, any down time would be spent cutting limes, not reading my favorite websites.  And, horror of horrors, I realized I'd have to make change.  Math!  This job required math! What was I thinking??

My experiment in tending bar was over.


********************************

~Grasshopper: 1/2 oz White Cream de Cacao, 1/2 oz Green Creme de Menthe, 2 oz Cream, Shake & Strain
~Toasted Almond: 1/2 oz Amaretto, 1/2 oz Kahlua, 2 oz Cream, Shake & Strain
~A Kamikaze gets 1/2 oz of Vodka
~Colorado Bull Dog (also called a Smith & Wesson): 1 oz Vodka, 1/2 oz Kahlua, 1 oz Cream, fill with Coke, over ice
~An Iguana Margarita is garnished with a lime
~Scorpion: 1 oz Brandy, 1 oz Rum, 1/2 oz Creme de Almond, 1/2 oz Triple Sec, fill 1/3 with Sweet & Sour mix,  fill 1/3 with Orange Juice, fill 1/3 with Pineapple Juice, top with 1/2 oz Barcardi 151 Rum
~Long Beach Iced Tea: 1/2 oz Vodka, 1/2 oz Gin, 1/2 oz Tequila, 1/2 oz Triple Sec, 1/2 oz Light Rum, 1 and 1/2 oz Sweet & Sour mix, fill with Cranberry Juice, optional splash of 7 Up and garnish with lemon wedge
~Alabama Slammer: 1/2 oz Sloe Gin, 1/2 oz Jack Daniels or Amaretto, 1/2 oz Southern Comfort, fill with Orange Juice, stir