LA LA LAND!

We’re in LA this week as the audition tour continues. Cat dances enthusiastically with contestants waiting to audition. (She makes her hosting job look so easy. It’s not, really. If you don’t believe me check out Nick Lachey on NBC’s THE SING OFF. Bless his heart, he tries. But he sucks. What?! Don’t yell at me, it’s the truth).

This week Jesse Tyler Ferguson is the guest judge! Some of you might be scratching your head about this as he does not have a dance background. What he does have, however, is a theatre background and an understanding of performance, stage presence and – quite importantly – what those auditioning are going through. As an actor myself, let me tell you, never underestimate the power of empathy coming from the other side of the table. (Actually, this goes for life in general. We would all do well to have more empathy for our fellow humans these days — aforementioned smack-down of Nick Lachey notwithstanding. Thus endeth today’s lesson. Coffee and doughnuts served downstairs immediately after the service).

Mary starts things off by warning the dancers against lip syncing (um… isn’t that obvious?), and instructs them not to touch themselves inappropriately. (Again, I am moved to comment about how obvious this latter instruction seems).

Alexa Anderson is up and we are reminded that she was *this close* to being in the Top 20 last season were it not for Ryan and her similarly tousled blonde locks. Alexa’s dancing strikes me as somewhat effortful but she’s clearly got technique and power. Nigel doesn’t even want to waste time trying to fake her out – the word “VEGAS” is out of his mouth in about 5 seconds.

Jesse Tyler Ferguson sings adorably out of happiness. I want a JTF doll to carry around in my pocket.

Uh oh. Next we have Johnny “Whacks” and he’ll be… you guessed it! Whacking! Reader, do I actually have to say it? Do I?

Fine (arms crossed tightly; frowning).

Whacking is not dancing. Repeat after me: Whacking is not dancing.

Whacking is waving your arms around your head wildly while wearing lots of plaid and pretending it is 1975. That’s exactly what happens after the requisite masturbation jokes from the judges’ panel due to Nigel almost saying “wanking” instead of “whacking.” It’s all very silly and fun (for them) but it gets old pretty quickly. Johnny does his thing and while he’s got charisma he does not have dance ability. But JTF thinks he’s like a Lenny Kravitz Russian nesting doll and they put him through to choreography. Whatever.

Eliana Girard is next and… wow. This one. She attended the Joffrey School on scholarship and then studied at Alvin Ailey. Then she was cast in a Cirque du Soleil show as a dancer/aerialist which in Quebecois translates to “classy pole dancer.” Her body is ridiculous. And her dancing is…

Extraordinary. Yay!!! She considers herself a contemporary ballet dancer and her audition is so lovely to watch that I don’t take any notes. I can’t look away from my television (she earns extra points from me for dancing en pointe, my old toe shoes being one of my all time favorite possessions). She gets a standing O from the judges – deservedly so. Mary (who, when not screaming like a wild banshee has astute things to say about dance) says she was “…like an instrument playing the song with your body;” Nigel praises her emotionality and Jesse compares her to Melanie!! And while Eliana’s audition did not move me to tears like Melanie did last season, I agree with JTF that she has all the qualities that made Melanie such a joy to watch: musicality, gorgeous, flawless technique and emotional investment. She’s the real deal. Vegas, natch.

And now we will waste the audience’s time with twins – Nick and James – who are 32 years old and therefore too old to compete. But they are flamboyant and funny so clearly we must showcase them! They go by the moniker The Ninja Twins and liken themselves to “Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie – but broke.” They think they are hilarious and have clearly gotten used to everyone telling them as much. It doesn’t help matters that Nigel & Co. are eating it up along with the dancers waiting to audition. The only redeeming thing about this segment is that Cat is wearing a cute vintage-y looking American flag t-shirt.

They do their routine to Michael Jackson’s Man In The Mirror (see, aren’t they clever!), they do some tumbling (which, like whacking falls into the “not dancing” category), the crowd goes wild and yells “Vegas” a thousand times and Nigel tells them they are too old for the competition JUST LIKE WE KNEW HE WOULD WHEN THEY ANNOUNCED THEIR AGE. Ninja Squared seem fine with it as obviously their goal was to get on TV, rather than go through to the next round of competition. Congratulations, fame whores! Job well done.

After that complete waste of time comes Sam Lenarz, 18. She can barely get through a chit-chat with Cat without crying and upon hearing why my heart breaks into a thousand tiny bits. Six months prior her mother kicked her out, without explanation. She came home one day to find her room all packed up and was ushered out the door. Her best friend’s family took her in and while she feels part of that family, the pain of her mother’s betrayal is practically leaking out of this poor girl’s pores. The fact that she is standing upright, let alone auditioning, at the tender age of 18 speaks volumes about the strength she’s got.

Her lines are beautiful and she has a lovely vulnerable quality. Nigel suggests that she tell more of a story rather than go from one move to another and while he has a point, it’s clear that she is a terrific dancer who should go straight through to Vegas. Lest we forget, Mr. Exorcist-Crawl-On-The-Floor guy got a ticket to Vegas so obviously she will too.

Nope! After telling her how amazing she is and asking after her family situation (I smell you, producers), they put her through to choreography. Okay, I get it. We, the viewing audience have come to care about her and in order to keep the stakes high and our eyes glued to the screen, they will tease us with the possibility that she won’t make it through the choreography round. It’s a cynical ploy at the expense of a wounded, brave girl and it makes me angry.

(SPOILER ALERT)

She goes through to Vegas. OF COURSE SHE DOES, I scream at my television, BECAUSE SHE IS A VERY TALENTED DANCER.

Next we spend some time with a few dancers who ultimately don’t make it through the choreography round so you don’t need me to tell you anything about them, right? You do? Okaaaaaay. There’s a moustachioed tap dancer, a circus performer who moves around and inside a steel wheel, and an arrogant Italian guy who auditioned before and has gone through an attitude adjustment. So he says. None of them pass choreography. Boo hoo.

Megan Branch, 18, a tiny, feisty thing with great energy and style goes straight to Vegas as does Cole Horibe who trained in martial arts before dancing. His piece is original and I’m intrigued by all the martial arts elements he included. But did he do enough dancing? Apparently so because after confirming that he has experience in other styles of dance (including ballroom!), he’s through to Vegas. I’m glad of this as it gives me another opportunity to look at his cheekbones and his stunning body.

Steven Jacobson. Oh, Steven. What a dummy this guy is. He’s a trained ballet dancer who threw his audition together “at the last minute.” Never a good idea. Also not a good idea? Doing a piece that basically mocks ballet ‘cause you think you’re being funny and original when in fact, you just look like an idiot jumping around to a song from the ‘60s. Nigel turns red and calls his performance “juvenile.” This guy dances with the Cincinnati Ballet – what is he doing pretending he can’t dance at all? Why mock your own ability?

We don’t learn why as Nigel insists he perform something else. They cue up some music aaaaaand there we go! He’s got glorious form and is clearly gifted. He gets a ticket to Vegas and nearly gets punched by Nigel. That would have been hilarious! Can you imagine if Nigel had gotten so irate he just hauled off and popped him one in the face?

No, no, that’s not funny. Violence is not funny. (Imagining Nigel trying to punch someone IS funny).

We end the evening on Jasmine Mason and her brother Marshea Kidd. Bottom line – they are wonderful and both are through to Vegas.

Oh, wait. Did I leave something out? Ah yes, that would be the fact that six weeks prior to the auditions they were involved in a head on collision which resulted in Marshea being pronounced DOA at the hospital, then being revived and in a coma for 2 days. And now he’s dancing. 6 weeks later. Sure, the producers milk the situation for all the drama it’s worth but hey, I can’t blame them. He was in a COMA and a few weeks later he’s like “I think I’ll just execute some stunning choreography and show off my technique, y’all don’t mind, do you?”

No, Marshea, we don’t mind. We applaud you.

Next week = Atlanta. And Debbie Allen as guest judge!